The Kardashian Takedown of Kris Humphries
Report
By JillSlattery on Dec-9-11 8:32am
(L-R) Kris Humphires and Kim Kardashian (Pacific Coast News)more pics » Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries (Pacific Coast News) As the year comes to a close amidst festive holiday celebrations and frantic gift buying, we are reminded of the important lessons that 2011 taught us. Things like "there's nowhere a great butt can't take you" (thanks Pippa Middleton) and "if you're going to accuse a celebrity of being your baby's daddy, swing for the fences" (kudos to you Mariah Yeater).
But perhaps the most important life lesson of 2011 came from none other than Kris Humphries, who taught us that you should never, under any circumstances, mess with the Kardashian family. Yes, this was the year that poor, simple Kris learned the hard way that if you get on their bad side the reality TV megastars will systematically tear you down until you're a broken shell of a man who can't leave his Minnesota man cave.
How did the Kardashians take down Kris Humphries after his ill-fated 72 day marriage to Kim Kardashian ended? One carefully calculated step at a time.
Step 1: Kris is, like, so mean.
[Picture] When Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from Kris Humphries on Halloween, fans and detractors were quick to cry foul. After all, hadn't we all just watched the insanely over-the-top TV wedding special that detailed every lavish moment of their fairy tale nuptials? And hadn't Kim made something like $18 million off of her wedding? With rumors flying, the Kardashian publicity machine quickly stepped in to defend Kim's honor. And what better way to defend Kim than to tarnish the reputation of her soon to be ex-husband?
"Husband From Hell" read an Us Weekly cover story that seemed designed solely to drag Kris Humphries through the mud. "He belittled her in front of people," an unnamed insider told the magazine. "He'd call her stupid. It was truly sickening." The mag also accused Kris of calling his new wife a "fat ass."
While it's impossible to know exactly what was said by Kim and Kris behind closed doors, the Us cover story made one thing certain: the Kardashian family wasn't going down without a fight.
Step 2: And his family sucks too.
The may seem like perfectly nice people, but the Kardashians told me they are monsters. After the divorce news hit the web, Kris Humphries made some statements about how much his family loved and supported Kim, and how saddened they were by news of the break-up.
Not so, a Kim Kardashian "insider" told TMZ. According to Kimmy, Kris' parents "constantly 'belittled' her and were 'nasty' to her family." The Kardashian mole also told TMZ that Kris' parents were partially to blame for the end of their marriage.
Kris' parents were barely shown during the Kim K television wedding special, so all we really know about them is that they have had the bad fortune of getting caught in the Kardashian crosshairs. But that's not what the gossip outlets would have you believe...
Step 3: Just watch our heavily edited reality TV show and you'll see...
In some ways, Kourtney and Kim Take New York is a frivolous reality TV show about a bunch of narcissists. In another way, it's a masterful torpedoing of Kris Humphries' character.
Viewers who tuned it hoping to get an inside look at the disintegration of the reality TV romance weren't disappointed. The couple pretty much argued about everything during the premiere episode — from Kris' messiness (Kim: "When I see a messy room, it literally ruins my day." Kris: "She put stuff in the closet...and I threw it on the floor. Just to make a statement."), to Kim's pedicure (Kim: "Ow! You just f------- ruined my pedicure! Seriously you...my whole toe just f------- broke in half!" Kris: "It's not even bleeding. Kim is a classic over-reactor."), to their social calendar (Kim: "It's this fun, glamorous party, and it's important that Kris is a part of this." Kris: "You care about that. I don't give a f---.").
[Picture] You may have picked up on a common theme in the Kim/Kris arguments: Kris Humphries is mean. He is so so so very mean and he totally makes Kim cry all the time. See! Just look at how she cries. And look how that nasty, lug head Kris moves to Minnesota and leaves poor, sweet Kim crying into her pillow. DO YOU GET IT YET?
There's only one problem with Kourtney and Kim Take New York. The "reality" show is actually a heavily edited narrative designed to make Kim look sympathetic. There's no denying that there's footage of Kris being an insensitive jerk. But there might also be lots of footage of the NBA star being a perfectly nice husband. We'll never know because the Kardashians will never tell us.
Step 4: Also, he's totally gay.
Just when you were starting to think that maybe Kris Humphries had taken enough abuse and that the Kardashians were going to leave him alone, Star Magazine proved you wrong in epically ludicrous fashion.
[Picture] "Kim confided to Khloe pretty early on that they hadn't had sex for weeks after they returned home from their Italian honeymoon," the article quoted an inside source saying.
Khloe, of course, naturally jumped to the conclusion that Kris was gay. "At first Kim thought that was ridiculous," the anonymous source mused. "But the more she thought about it, the more she wondered. There were signs."
Checkmate, Kris Humphies.
Step 5: But don't bother thinking about Kris Humphries anymore because KOURTNEY IS PREGNANT!!!!!
